hidden

We all have secrets or things in our lives that we keep hidden. Some things are more hidden than others. I would venture that most of our secrets are hidden because we want the world to see us in a particular light. We temporarily see ourselves as the world sees us through the lens of social media and all its perfection. I can honestly say this approach is not right or wrong. Would anyone deliberately air their dirty laundry, unless you're a narcissist, and would anyone want to see it? Regardless of what you reveal, people make their own judgments and inferences based on what they see, which likely isn't the most accurate view of life.

That being said, I am a pretty open book, although selective in what I post publically. I certainly am less critical when I post say, a photo, compared to my daughter/daughters. Those who know me, know the most important things about me. But, there are things I intentionally keep hidden. Call them secrets or whatever you want, but some things fall into the non-disclosure category.

 I think, as previously mentioned, we want the world to see us in a certain way, but it is more than that. We deliberately expose how we want to see ourselves. We put our best foot forward because that is what we want to take center stage in our lives. We don’t want others to see our failures and the parts of life that are messy or in a state of disarray, so we tuck those away as our little secrets. I suppose it could be categorized as some sort of coping mechanism. Perhaps, pointing out all the good stuff may boost those endorphins that elevate our mood? Whenever I can post a picture of my kids or a happy place, it has a way of lifting my spirit. 

My so-called secrets aren’t really that dark and deep. But, there are things that I intentionally exclude from some, and only a few hold them close. It often is our pride that keeps us from sharing certain aspects of our life. I guess I want to be the author of my labels. I don’t want others to place potentially false labels on me. So, I delve in one toe at a time, hoping for a positive response and never really going deep enough to warrant severe criticism. That’s me- and likely you, too. However, the intentional exposure through social media has allowed distances to decrease and connections maintained. But, back to secrets.

I just completed a very interesting book called,  Hidden Valley Road by Robert Kolker. It’s a non-fiction book about a family of 12 children, 10 boys, and 2 girls, of which six boys were diagnosed with schizophrenia. There are so many complex family struggles including, trauma, pure chaos, and heartache. However, one recurring and underlying theme was about keeping secrets. 

The period of this book starts post WW2 and extends to the present day. One can understand, especially during the 1960s and 1970s, the confusion and uncertainty of this multifacet disease and how it affects families, relationships, and basically, every interaction that occurs in daily life. The book ends with the two youngest children, the only daughters, being the caretakers or their remaining brothers with schizophrenia. The sisters, now in their 50s, wonder if all the secrets their parents kept, in attempts to hide and often conflate the behavior of their brothers, could have exacerbated the disease process. The secrets became a coping mechanism for the parents to protect and literally hope for a better outcome.

Of course, looking back always reveals a new perspective. It is an incomprehensible situation that no one would have the skills to handle. But, in hindsight, would it have been better to be more forthright and expose versus hide the reality behind hidden proverbial walls? There are more questions than answers, but keeping secrets can come with negative outcomes. The title of the book is the actual name of the street this family lived on called, Hidden Valley Road. Rather ironic, wouldn't you say?

Secrets do draw us in though. We are a curious bunch. Sometimes we have a deep yearning to know what is going on in others’ lives. The HBO series, Big Little Lies, comes to mind. Oh, the captivating twists and turns and cover-ups and lies get this group of friends in trouble. Clearly, revealing the truth from the get-go would have been to everyone’s benefit, but certainly not the benefit of a grab-your-attention plot! There are absolutely no parallels between my life and this series! Just a fun reference point.

What can I conclude? 

We all carry secrets. We all hide past or current occurrences in our lives. We don't always reveal our thoughts and often harbor our hurts. Does it help? Perhaps, there is some benefit to holding back. I don't think everyone has to know everything. However, we more than likely have many in our lives that would be willing to listen if we were willing to shed our hidden secrets. 

So, I’ll continue to write, post photo’s and share my thoughts. However, you only see a part of me. The part I want to see in myself. I reveal what I want to expose, but as we all know, there is so much more under the surface of all of us. Therefore, don’t judge the book by the cover- whether it’s a photo on Instagram or Facebook. Life is so much more complex than that!